Won't Back Down

Nikki recovering in bed post-surgery

Nikki sporting her brace like a champ to help healing and recovery

Nikki supplemented her training with the ElliptiGo

A year ago, in the midst of the pandemic, I had back surgery to finally address a persistent injury. I herniated a disc in my lower back that required surgery to repair. It was a scary, lonely, and uncertain time as I slowly regained the pain-free ability to stand, walk, and eventually run 3 months later. Besides running, I missed the simple joys of movement: dance parties with my roommates, walking my dog, hiking and backpacking, and summer fieldwork. 

I worked hard to regain strength in every fiber of my body and every corner of my mind – with help from my roommates, family, teammates, and health care providers. I’d say both my body and mind are still works in progress and I celebrate the small but meaningful victories along the way. Living pain-free, feeling strong and running hard, shaking nerves and anxiety before workouts, progressing in strength training, crossing the line as an American Record Holder with my teammates, practicing fearlessness, and getting back up after perceived failures. While I ended my spring season disappointed in my performances, which were some of the worse I have ever put up, I am proud of the ways I have responded to the year’s challenges. As I look back on the past year, I see so much growth in every other aspect of my life. 

As the pandemic and this injury cut short my season last year, I found my place of refuge and concentration missing. Running is a place where I can go anywhere in my mind. A solo run is where I process challenges & imagine potential. I step out that door, leaving everything behind me, with one sole focus: creating a world of possibilities. It’s where I imagine hope, grieve loss, consider change, make decisions, and problem solve. I can leave the day’s anxieties behind and work towards one singular goal, which requires focus and determination. A hard workout is more practice of this mindset. Pushing the limits of what I thought I could do, proving myself wrong, finding my weaknesses and correcting them. It’s a space I can control, a predictable and safe environment. Without this daily escape, I found I was missing space for internal processing. 

Throughout recovery, I had to focus on long-term goals of health and strength. In sharing this struggle with friends and teammates, I found myself challenging myself more outside of my training and that reserved internal space. Asking someone to engage in a hard conversation. Doing the scary thing when it was the right thing. Admitting wrongdoing, apologizing, and asking forgiveness. Practicing compassionate honesty. Pursuing fearlessness. Coming to a hard decision and acting on it. 

While I wasn’t able to process these feelings on my own running time, I was able to share them out loud with others. I communicated my thoughts and emotions, fears and hopes, successes and failures, out loud, rather than in my own headspace. Not only did I become more comfortable with being vulnerable, but I also found I was able to practice communication and conversation. It’s easy to understand your own struggles, triumphs, joys and defeats when you only share them and process them with yourself – communicating the nuances of your situation becomes more challenging as you describe yourself to others and help them to understand you. And through it all, you are helping understand yourself better.

People have asked me, what have I learned in the last year, through these challenges. I think I am more sure of myself than I have ever been, confident in what I want to strive for, what I need and want in my life, all while knowing that it’s OK to make changes because I understand more. Listening to, communicating with, and appreciating myself has really helped me do the same for others. Here’s to another year of pursuing challenges and not backing down!

~ Nikki Long

Nikki went on many dog walks with Oliver

Nikki is the American Record Holder in the Track 20K

Nikki today able to run and train hard